Teenagers

God broke my heart last week. It is not the broken heart of unrequited love or losing someone special or anything like that. It is the heartbreak of an overflow of love for people on two different sides of the world, two sides that I cannot, in my tiny mind, imagine ever converging.

Believe it or not, the source of this heartbreak is not the nursery school kids or the darling babies or my reading students or even my hilarious group of girls I read with each night. It is the teenagers… and this surprises me more than anyone.

I have been leading a group of about thirty teens twice a week for the past two months. On Sunday mornings, I work with two other Ugandan Noah’s Ark staff to lead Bible Class, which is the equivalent of Sunday School for the secondary students. We have been going through the book of Romans and have talked a lot about what it means and what it takes to become saved. On Tuesday evenings, Christian (a Dutch volunteer) and I lead Teen Club, which is a themed Bible study for the same students. We started with a series on becoming the people God wants us to be and just finished a series on how to deal with feelings such as anger, fear, unhappiness, and guilt.

For much of my time with them, I have felt like an outsider come to try to fit in and take over. When I arrived early to Bible Class, I would awkwardly sit in my seat and speak when spoken to but not reach out. To them, I probably looked arrogant and hostile. I have dreaded nearly every Bible Class and Teen Club and have been embarrassingly intimidated by this group of young people. They could be fun at times, but often they were a source of frustration and anxiety.

Then last week, I fell in love with them.

I don’t know what God did. Perhaps several circumstances converged to produce this effect, but it is powerful. After working with these students for two months, they are opening up more. I have spent more casual time with the teens in the last week, time not in the context of a leader and students, putting us more on a peer and friendship level. And now that there is only one more Bible Class and one more Teen Club, we are at the point where things are starting to look not as bad as they once were and I can even mourn the ending of those things I never particularly liked anyway.

One thing that has helped bridge the gap between the teens and myself was an unexpected bit of encouragement I received from them last week. During testimonies in Bible Class, Hannah thanked God for the leaders and said we had a really good discussion. Then in church that day, Michael also thanked God for the Bible Class leaders and prayed that God would bless us more than the teens could themselves. It’s hard to imagine a better blessing than hearing those words.

Last Thursday we had an African Night (as the mzungus call it), or a Mzungu Party (as the Africans call it). Noah’s Ark puts one on when we have a group of volunteers to give us a taste of Ugandan culture through music, dancing, food, and interesting facts about their traditions and way of life. While we were eating our meal, the hut was divided awkwardly but intentionally into Noah’s Ark children and teens on one side and white volunteers on the other. I got bored listening to everyone around me speaking Dutch, so after awhile I crossed the hut and joined Rebecca, Tamara, Isca, Brian, Sarah, and some others. I was amazed at how much more comfortable I felt on that side. We talked and laughed and ate and at that point I knew for certain that I have friends in Uganda. Yes, friends!

Since then, I have spent much more time with them and have loved it. Five of us presented a song during Bible class last week. A few students come by my room every afternoon with a guitar and we worship with any other volunteers and children who happen to stop by before supper. Last night as I was walking by the boarding girls’ home I heard them singing together, so I went in and joined the fun. As it turns out, I had just walked into a birthday party to which I had not been invited, but was then called the Guest of Honor and gently forced to make a speech to the birthday girl.

Now instead of feeling out of place around the teenagers, I gravitate to them. I want to sit with them in church. I want to stop and talk to them on my way to school, not to Be Intentional but to hear what they have to say. God has filled me with a love for them that is deeper than I thought possible for teenagers.

On one hand, I am thrilled we are becoming such good friends because that has been my hope in spending so much uncomfortable time with them in the last two months. On the other hand, all this love hurts my heart because I am leaving in two weeks and don’t know if I will ever have the opportunity to come back and see them again. It makes a statement when I have teenagers begging me not to leave, doesn’t it?

I feel awful. Who am I to step into their lives for such a short time and then just as quickly step out of them? This was always a concern of mine when I was looking at a short-term mission, but the reality is worse than I expected because I not only have sympathy for the people I’m leaving behind—I love them and don’t want to cause them any unhappiness and would really love to be a part of their lives for much longer than this.

And that is how my heart has broken and ended up on two different sides of the world. It would have been so much easier if the teens had intimidated me until the end and I could leave with relief, not tears. If I come to Africa and don’t make a difference, why would I come? But if I come to Africa and make a difference, why would I leave?

It was easier when I wanted to help The Children. That can be done through collecting books for the library. Or sponsoring a child. Or periodic visits to bring baby clothes and sports equipment.

But it’s different when I have fallen in love with Uganda in person. It’s different when it’s Uganda with a face. It’s different when it’s Agatha. Rebecca. Augustine. Brian. Sarah. Timothy. Vanessa. Deborah. Hannah.

It’s just different now.